Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
