Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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