i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
