I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
