I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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