i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
