Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
