sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
