I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
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