Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
