The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
