I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
