i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
