Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
whose parrot is this?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
