Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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