his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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