y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
