Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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