But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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