idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
