Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
