wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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