Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
