Pants 0. Shit 1.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
