Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
