well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Randomize
