I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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