3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
