remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
