i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
