I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
