I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
