I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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