So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
