my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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