I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
