I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
