So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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