arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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