The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
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The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
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She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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