My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
