from now on my penis is your penis
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
