He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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