Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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