My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
