I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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