So drunk its hurt
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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