I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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