I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You have to summon your inner elephant
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
