Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
