Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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