omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
