Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
