3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
