glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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