I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
