Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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