I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i was born a porn star she said
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
