He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
why is half of my head shaved?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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