I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Drunk is a universal language darling
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
