he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
